In the next room there is a girl.
A beautiful kind girl that makes every day brighter.
A girl who hurts to not be around.
A girl who I can't imagine living without.
She completes me.
She loves me,
And I love her.
Is she "the one"?
She frightens me,
Like no other.
More than last time.
I don't want there to be a next.
It hurts more than anything to think of hurting her.
But I'm still scared of doing it.
When she smiles there's nothing else in the universe.
She seems to just want to make me happy.
She treats me better than I deserve.
If there is a God, then he really likes me.
I'm so scared.
Scared that one day I might hurt her.
Scared that I'm insufficient.
Scared that she'll leave.
Scared that she'll stay.
I don't know what to do.
I never know what to say.
Sleep is a honour.
An honour that I cannot earn lately.
My days have become a haze.
Fear eats away at me.
What if that happy moment was the last?
What is she changes her mind?
I'm clean now,
How long will it last?
I want to run,
Run forever.
Protect her from me.
Protect me from myself.
Is this just a test? or
am i just paranoid?
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I'm finally back at school and it's better than ever. I've only been to one day of classes but they were very stimulating. Also I've started reading my text books and I think this will really be cool. Philosoph has already brought me back to my favorite question ever...the illusion of freedom. This question really gets me, seriously are any of us really free? The government litmits what we can and can't do, albeit for good reason. We don't know how much control God has over us(that is assuming there is a God). And then there is life itself, we are a product of our genetics and our environment, so couldn't our free-will be following a set path? Is free will predictable? For example I can easily assume that given my relationship to Jessie that putting a gun in her hand she wouldn't shoot me, or for a better example, Allysia is certanly not a big fan of me(one would even venture to say that she hates me although she once told me that she doesn't hate anyone or anything) she also wouldn't shoot me(assuming that the shot would kill me) even if there weren't any consequenses, it's not whos she is. I know that these are extreme examples, but it does show that both "can't" kill me (even if the inability is within themselves and their conciounse(sp?)they do not have this freedom simply from genetics and environment, kinda get where I'm coming from? Anyways thats just a tought I had, sorry to bother you.
Be careful what you wish for, the immortal lesson of "The monkey's paw." This lesson really took home today, actually about 15 minutes ago. I was listening to the song "Hate me" by Blue October(very good song by the way) and had some flashbacks. First of all was the first time I heard the song, moments after telling Allysia I was moving back to Melville as she cried and I wished she hated me. The song was played as the new song of the week on the Wolf as I drove home, fate is a vile prankster. Then the night I sat in my car, crying and begging her to hate me, to stop giving a shit to never talk to me again because I couldn't take it anymore. She hates me now(atlest as far as I can tell) and I just want to talk to her. To make sure she's alright, to thank her for introducing me to some amazing music that helps make my days and dragging my ass out of the 70's at the same time, for teaching me how much work it takes to be in a relationship, sor showing me what love really is. But most of all I want to thank her for the experience of knowing her and having her know me, I wouldn't be who I am today without her, and as that other person I used to be I wouldn't be where I am and truely happy. I found the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with and who wants to spend the rest of my life with me. Allysia I hope you read this, thank you for everything I sometimes feel that I owe my happiness to you. I hope you are happy as well.
Peace
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My brain is acting up tonight, I don't know why. Stop. I afraid to sleep again. Stop. Maybe it's Riley's fault. Stop. Don't get me wrong, I love that little girl, but she was getting into my space bigtime. Stop. Last night Jessie told me that if we have kids she doen't want them to know that I'm "crazy." Stop. For some reason "The Wall" is a very soothing album tonight. Stop. Allysia still has my car remote. Stop. Not that I don't trust her, but there is always a possibility of bad things when people can get into your car. Stop. The crown will prove that the plaintiff is clearly guilty of showing feelings. Stop. Feelings of an almost human nature. Stop. For as bright as the day can be the universe will always be black. Stop. Space is black. Stop. I never wanted to cause any trouble. Stop. I seem to have a very self-destructive personality. Stop. I live in constant fear of myself. Stop. Sometimes I'm so happy I want to kill myself. Stop. I'm scared I'll never be that happy again. Stop. God mocks us all. Stop. He is our eternal tormentor. Stop. He is our enternal provider. Stop. I wish I had met my mother. Stop. I wish I had met my father. Stop. Tammy seems to have an irrational hatred towards my bloodline. Stop. Raymond seems to think we are Gods among men. Stop. Neither are right. Stop. I get to start classes on Monday. Stop. Maybe somewhere in Philosophy class I'll find something to be proud of. Stop. Other than my remarkable luck. Stop. I seem to find myself the most beautiful females. Stop. Beautiful souls seem to find me. Stop. Is it because I'm a lost cause? Stop. Do I only find love in females that have some overwhelming desire to help people? Stop. Am I truly as pathetic as I think I am? Stop. On the plus side, that would make me a perfect reflection of society. Stop. We have advanced so far that we have no morals. Stop. We defecate all over our picturesque world. Stop. If we weren't so self-centered we wouldn't be so pathetic. Stop. If we weren't so self-concious we wouldn't be so pathetic. Stop. I hope that the planet is destroyed by a giant meteor just to piss off environmentalists. Stop. I am the platypus of humanity. Stop. A cosmic joke. Stop. I wonder if they'll drop the bomb. Stop. I wonder when they'll drop the bomb. Stop. Will we be scared like the Cold war? Stop. Will we bw totally oblivious to it? Stop.
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As you can probably tell I watched "The Wall" last night, and fell inlove with it again. Man I need a copy of it, but it is surprisingly hard to find in stores, perhaps a bootleg will do until I can find a real copy. That amazing movie and album is the reason for the new layout.
Comfortably Numb
Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain,
you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain,
you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.Just a little pinprick. [ping]
Therell be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe its working.
good.
Thatll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb
by Pink Floyd
2 comments
Man I feel like shit I've got some kind of throat/chest infection which has side effects of nasty diarea and vomiting alot...woo hoo! I better be feeling alright by the time I start classes on Monday. Oh yeah, if I didn't mention before I'm starting my philosophy classes on Monday and bartending either on Tuesday or Saturday. I gave Jessie my sickness too, but she's not as bad although we're both pathetic and not really moving a whole lot, just chilling out trying to recover.
Not a whole lot going on lately, spent last week in Melvill, had a pretty decent time. Saw everyone, had 3 Christmas' and then had to run back here for Jessie's Christmas. I wish I was thinking more, but m brains fried.
Peace
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